"I feel safe with you"

Might mean more than "I love you"

I’ve had multiple friends in the last year or so say to me out of the blue (with no prompt):

“I feel safe with you.”

Each time the words have stopped me in my tracks. Striking a chord in the heart in a way that feels similar to when someone tells you they love you for the first time. But not in a romantic way. And not in a way where it feels like there are ulterior motives or some expected form of response given in return. Nor in a way that feels “declarative” or driven by ego. But simply in a way that touches the heart in a place so deep that it often goes unseen altogether.

Somewhere along the line, I learned to equate “safe” with “boring” and “risk” with feeling alive and truly “living”.

I was told: “Don’t play it safe - be bold! Take risks!” when it comes to career choices.

I listened to friends lamenting about their relationships saying: “It feels safe to stay with them, but there’s no spark or excitement.”

I started rolling my eyes as a kid hearing all the adults at school chiding “Safety first!” before we were to attempt any sort of outdoor activity.

“Safe” became synonymous with “boring” - and by the time I was a teenager, I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. I ran head first after whatever made me feel the most excited and stimulated. It was exuberant and wildly fun at first, and then increasingly wearisome.

I began to crave a sense of place where I felt I could put down roots and rest. I had lived and learned from experiences I felt unsafe in and people I felt unsafe with - what safety really means for me. And at first, I began to cultivate that feeling within my home space. Then I started teaching more classes and participating in more retreats that were fostered around creating “a safe space” for those attending. I became enamored with healing arts and, without receiving any direction on the matter, inherently understood how much easier healing is facilitated when you feel safe in your environment. Safe enough to let your wounds air out and be seen, held, and heard.

“Safe” was growing a new meaning for me, and I was attracted to it. I began to value it and focus on curating this feeling for myself in every home I moved to (and continue to today). Soft textures, comfortable seating, dim lighting, a warm feeling, relaxing music, all the simple amenities you could need nearby…

But over time, I learned that safety meant more than cozy sheepskins and a warm house. I learned that everyone has their own definition of “safety”, which can change and evolve over time.

Safety is connected with a sense of deep trust and security. A resting place. A haven. An oasis. A harbor.

To create a place of physical safety is a practiced skill.

To embody it with your presence and personhood is a feat.

I spent so many years completely undervaluing the feeling of safety, then running away from it entirely, then fixating on creating it in physical spaces…and now…I have landed in deep wonderment at what it feels like to be a catalyst for someone else’s feeling of safety.

To have someone else tell you: “I feel safe with you.”

In a world that can be so challenging, complicated, and, at times, downright dangerous, these 5 simple words mean everything.

To feel safe enough to let your guard down with someone, even for a moment.

To feel secure in someone else’s presence.

To feel a sense of protection when you’re around them.

To feel like you are in good hands.

To feel like you can open yourself up in relaxed surrender.

To feel trust.

To feel cared for.

To feel held, supported, and loved.

“I feel safe with you.” can mean so many things.

When I was on the receiving end of these words, I did not ask the speakers what they meant. Even though they affected me in that deep pocket of space in the heart. Even though I was moved to hear them. I knew they were not about me. I am touched that my presence helped them recognize that they felt safe in that moment. But their personal feeling of safety is only theirs to define.

What or who feels “safe” to them might not for someone else. What matters most is that we value our own feelings of safety and those around us. That we check in with each other and support each other’s feelings of safety as much as possible.

And, most importantly, that we share our feelings of safety with others when we feel them. You never know how deeply those words will reverberate with them. How much of an impact they will leave. How they are not actually boring at all and instead can leave the person feeling more alive than before.

I’m brought back to an expression my dear friend once shared with me: In West Virginia, whenever a loved one is heading out, your parting words for them are: “Watch for deer.” Which he explained is West Virginian for “I love you.”

One and the same: I love you. I care for your safety. Watch for deer.

May we all practice being a safer landing place for one another and for ourselves.

How do you create a feeling of safety within yourself?

When was the last time you told someone you feel safe with them?

xx

Heather