(re-)meeting yourself

on the sometimes daunting task of being present with yourself

The other day, I had a thought about an old dear friend whom I’ve lost touch with. The unexpected thought of them prompted me to pause and wonder what I would say if there was some way to make contact with them again after so much time has passed.

It’s true that with some friends the adage of “picking back up right where you left off” holds true, regardless of the years passed in between.

But, we can never assume this will always be the case.

So much life has happened in that gulf of time. So many stories, experiences, joys, and pains. So much that has not been shared. So many versions of yourselves lived.

As I was daydreaming about this, I landed on the thought:

I would like to re-meet you as you are today. As the version of yourself you are now.

I realized that as wonderful as our friendship was years ago, I was more interested in who they are as a person today than who they have been since I last talked with them. I was more interested in re-meeting them bright-eyed and blank-slated than trying to fill a gap with endless stories and re-tellings of events that happened in the past.

It felt refreshing to think about making a new friend out of an old one. Of choosing not to hold any sort of gravity from the past and re-meet them as they are today.

As I continued turning this thought around in my head, I started to wonder what it would be like to “meet myself” as I am now. I began scraping the boxes of my memory trying to recall when was the last time I really truly honestly “met myself”.

For anyone who practices yoga, meditation, or therapy of any kind, you’ve likely heard the words “meet yourself where you are” re-used and recycled time and again.

Although sometimes met with a hinge of annoyance (“not this phrase again…”), these words usually feel affirming for me to hear. As if I have been granted some permission slip to just be present with myself in that moment as I am, not trying to be any other version of myself. Not trying to “fix” anything I perceive is wrong. Not trying to jump 5 steps ahead or hang 5 steps back.

But often in these little carved out spaces of time, I find I’m often only meeting the parts of myself that are relevant. In yoga, I’m meeting the tension or openness in my body that day. In meditation, I’m meeting the cluttered-ness or spaciousness of my mind that day. In therapy, I’m meeting the big or small emotions that day.

I started to wonder what it would feel like to re-meet myself fully and completely, as I am today. Like meeting an old friend again after many years apart. With openness, acceptance, and curiosity.

The thought is exciting but also a tad bit hair-raising.

The idea of meeting someone is fun up until the point where you actually set out to do it. Then the inklings of social anxiety start to kick in…

How will they perceive me?

What if it feels awkward and uncomfortable?

What if we have nothing to say to each other?

What if there is hostility?

Is this is a mistake altogether?

While it might feel more second nature to second guess before re-meeting an old friend, the idea of re-meeting yourself can sometimes feel equally as daunting.

But this time, when I imagined asking myself all of the questions above, I was surprised by how downright funny I found them. Not just because quirky existentialist thought makes me laugh sometimes. But because I was able to see the absurdity of these thoughts when they were framed against me.

I realized that I didn’t care. And why should I care what my thinking mind thinks about who I am today?

I realized that I’m not interested in entertaining any judgements about myself from myself. And that these questions demeaned the entire purpose behind re-meeting myself: to objectively meet myself where I am right now. With openness and curiosity. No judgement, just presence.

The anxiety, the self-questioning, the doubt - it all parades as if it’s protecting us from harm. But really it's inhibiting us from connection with ourselves and others. A real “wolf in sheep’s clothing” kind of scenario.

So, with nothing to lose and everything to gain: go have coffee (or tea) with yourself as you are now.

You might be surprised at what comes up in conversation when you really show up for yourself.

xx

Heather